What's He Saying?

ANNOUNCER: Up next, the age-old game show sensation: WHAT'S HE SAYING? (Applause--Applause--Applause) Stay tuned ... we'll be back, right after a brief word from our sponsor: Latest Thing Bible Publishers.

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ANNOUNCER: And now, the star of our show ... Cleave Abridger!

APPLAUSE

ABRIDGER: Welcome everyone, to WHAT'S HE SAYING? ... the game show that spells it out for you. But let's cut to the chase and introduce our first contestant.

ANNOUNCER: He's a professional editor and long time wordsmith for publications you'd instantly recognize. Give it up for Willie Cliché!

APPLAUSE

ABRIDGER: Willie, which category will you start with?

CLICHÉ: Cleve, I'll go with Too Long Bible verses—

ABRIDGER: Okay Willie, start with an easy one; Galatians 1:3 Grace be to you and peace from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ.

Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: Wow, Cleve, that's a hard one; it's already short.

ABRIDGER: Never short enough, Willie. You have ten seconds starting ...

Now!

UNNERVING MUSIC

ABRIDGER: Time's up, Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: Um ... May ... May God grace you with peace?

ABRIDGER: Our official mathematician gives you ... 2.5 on your version of Galatians 1:3. As you know we grade you on your average score, so without further ado, on to the next verse:

Esther 8:9 Then were the king's scribes called at that time in the third month, that is, the month Sivan, on the three and twentieth day thereof; and it was written according to all that Mordecai commanded unto the Jews, and to the lieutenants, and the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces, unto every province according to the writing thereof, and unto every people after their language, and to the Jews according to their writing, and according to their language.

CLICHÉ: Wow! You sure that's only one Bible verse?

ABRIDGER: Longest one in the Bible. Your ten seconds starts now!

MORE UNNERVING MUSIC

ABRIDGER: Time's up, Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: (thinks hard, then quickly recites) The King made his secretaries write what Mordecai said and shot it off to everybody on his mailing list! (deep sigh)

ABRIDGER: Okay, number crunchers, what's the score?

(tense delay)

We have ... five points, placing your two verse average at 3.75! Way ta' go, Willie.

And now a word from our announcer!

ANNOUNCER: Keep it up, Willie, 'cause as you know, the winning contestant will have his shortened, simplified verses included, for full royalties, in the new Bible paraphrase, The Hip Bible, available right here for only twenty-nine ninety-five.

Cleave?

ABRIDGER: Thanks, Bob. Our new Bible paraphrase, The Hip Bible has best seller written all over it. So get your advanced order in right now so you won't have to wait for God's word to the lazy church. In addition to all the extras Bob told you about, we'll throw in a month's supply of sleeping pills, just in case The Hip Bible doesn't put you right to sleep.

And now, let's play What's He Saying?