"So," they say, "nobody's perfect!"
But the Vinedresser won't buy that.
Given the opportunity, He will trim the unproductive suckers and shape the branches so each one will bask in Sonlight.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

What's He Saying?

ANNOUNCER: Up next, the age-old game show sensation: WHAT'S HE SAYING? (Applause--Applause--Applause) Stay tuned ... we'll be back, right after a brief word from our sponsor: Latest Thing Bible Publishers.

COMMERCIAL: Are you one of the many Christians who has made a stab at understanding the Bible, but it was just too confusing? Did your friends say you were wasting your time, because the Bible isn't relevant, and it's full of contradictions? Well never fear! We have the HIP BIBLE! It's language is way cool, and we've surgically removed all the difficult and contradictory passages so it'll fit in your HIP POCKET ... and your hip friends will think you're okay. Order it now, at this limited-time, introductory special price ... Cuz you know we can't do this all day ... But wait! That's not all! Order in the next thirty seconds and you'll get a FREE bonus Book Of Mormon and a New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures! And not only that, but you'll receive this heavy duty, long lasting whiteout pen for no extra charge ... Yada-yada-yada ... Blah-blah-blah

ANNOUNCER: And now, the star of our show ... Cleave Abridger!


ABRIDGER: Welcome everyone, to WHAT'S HE SAYING? ... the game show that spells it out for you. But let's cut to the chase and introduce our first contestant.

ANNOUNCER: He's a professional editor and long time wordsmith for publications you'd instantly recognize. Give it up for Willie Cliché!


ABRIDGER: Willie, which category will you start with?

CLICHÉ: Cleve, I'll go with Too Long Bible verses—

ABRIDGER: Okay Willie, start with an easy one; Galatians 1:3 Grace be to you and peace from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ.

Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: Wow, Cleve, that's a hard one; it's already short.

ABRIDGER: Never short enough, Willie. You have ten seconds starting ...



ABRIDGER: Time's up, Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: Um ... May ... May God grace you with peace?

ABRIDGER: Our official mathematician gives you ... 2.5 on your version of Galatians 1:3. As you know we grade you on your average score, so without further ado, on to the next verse:

Esther 8:9 Then were the king's scribes called at that time in the third month, that is, the month Sivan, on the three and twentieth day thereof; and it was written according to all that Mordecai commanded unto the Jews, and to the lieutenants, and the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces, unto every province according to the writing thereof, and unto every people after their language, and to the Jews according to their writing, and according to their language.

CLICHÉ: Wow! You sure that's only one Bible verse?

ABRIDGER: Longest one in the Bible. Your ten seconds starts now!


ABRIDGER: Time's up, Willie, What's He Saying?

CLICHÉ: (thinks hard, then quickly recites) The King made his secretaries write what Mordecai said and shot it off to everybody on his mailing list! (deep sigh)

ABRIDGER: Okay, number crunchers, what's the score?

(tense delay)

We have ... five points, placing your two verse average at 3.75! Way ta' go, Willie.

And now a word from our announcer!

ANNOUNCER: Keep it up, Willie, 'cause as you know, the winning contestant will have his shortened, simplified verses included, for full royalties, in the new Bible paraphrase, The Hip Bible, available right here for only twenty-nine ninety-five.


ABRIDGER: Thanks, Bob. Our new Bible paraphrase, The Hip Bible has best seller written all over it. So get your advanced order in right now so you won't have to wait for God's word to the lazy church. In addition to all the extras Bob told you about, we'll throw in a month's supply of sleeping pills, just in case The Hip Bible doesn't put you right to sleep.

And now, let's play What's He Saying?

No comments: