"So," they say, "nobody's perfect!"
But the Vinedresser won't buy that.
Given the opportunity, He will trim the unproductive suckers and shape the branches so each one will bask in Sonlight.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Redneck’s Guide to Child Rearing

Sure Fire Rules to Make Your Kids Upstanding Citizens, Just Like You.

At home:

  1. Always invent lists of rules for every possible situation your kids might run into, from their teeth-brushing to the gear ratio they use when pedaling their bikes; can’t have too many rules, don’t ya’ know.
  2. Never put off punishing your kids when they mess up, but fully pour out the Wrath of God upon them so they will understand the gravity of their behavior.
  3. Never allow your kids to see your mistakes in judgment, but failing that rule, cover ‘em up. If they’re too big to cover up, invent excuses; kids are real gullible.
  4. Never apologize to your kids when you can’t weasel out of your mistakes; they won’t respect you as the Authority Figure.
  5. Always try to keep your promises, or at least come up with good-sounding excuses for breaking them--like making it their fault.
  6. Always tell your kids the truth, or at least lie so's not to get caught.
  7. Always criticize your kids by comparing their weaknesses to the strengths of their siblings and peers; that’ll drive home their need for change.
  8. Always point out other’s faults when your kids are present; such lessons serve to instruct your kids in acceptable versus unacceptable behavior.
  9. Never fool around with your spouse (you know what I mean, wink, wink) in front of your kids; you might embarrass them, or at least they’ll think you’re silly.
  10. And Never, Ever, accept a kiss from your kids on the lips; that’s nasty and preverted.

When grown-ups visit:

  1. Never allow your kids to distract your attention from visitors; kids aren't important, like your friends are.
  2. Always feel free to poke fun about the dumb stuff your kids do, like their bed-wetting and thumb-sucking; kids don’t get grown-up humor, don’t ya’ know.
  3. Never allow your kids to pitch their stupid ideas and questions into a grown-up conversation; they got nothing to offer to intelligent discourse.
  4. Never worry about your kids’ hearing you discuss friends’, teachers’ or preachers’ problems with visitors; they won’t get that, either.
  5. Never allow your kids to get away with anything when grown-ups visit, but shame your kids with swift justice to demonstrate to your friends how parenting is correctly done.

Regarding church:

  1. Never treat going to church with less-than the solemn reverence that Religion deserves; the Bible says, “Thou shalt not have fun at church or on the way to it.”
  2. Always testify in church about what a horrible sinner you used to be, leaving out no nitty-gritty details of your former perversion, and add something like: "Now I'm saved, and sanctified, and I'm gonna march straight through those Pearly Gates with my head held high."
  3. Never hold “family altar” devotions or read the Bible with your kids; religion is a personal matter, and you shouldn’t impose your beliefs on them. Didn’t somebody important once say, “Keep church and state separate”?
  4. Always be honest and forthright in your criticism of church people, especially the leadership; we must hold them to the highest standard, and you never know what skeletons are in their closets.
  5. Always glad-hand brethren you hate, then roll your eyes when only the kids can see you; they’ll think you’re, like, totally awesome.

Regarding school:

  1. Always assume your kids hate school as much as you did, and confront their rotten attitude even before it presents itself.
  2. Always side with the teacher in disputes, and punish your kids for their school misbehavior, even when they’ve already been punished at school; you know kids are compulsive liars … remember…?
  3. Never admit you don’t know how to help your kids with their homework; it’s their homework, make them figure it out. Besides, you don’t want to look dumm.
  4. Always belittle your kids when they arrive home bloodied and crying like babies after getting beat-up by a bully; it’ll toughen them up.
  5. Never allow your kids to leave for school with less than the latest, Saturday morning cartoon character fashions; nobody is going to dress their kids sharper than your kids!
  6. Always hold the strap over your kids, telling them they’ll get the lickin’ of their lives if they don’t at least pull “Bs” The last thing you want is for them to shame you with bad grades.

Regarding civic and charitable activities:

  1. Always tell your kids regular folks’ opinions don’t count in the grand scheme of things; voting is a waste of time, ‘cause the fat-cats have it all rigged anyway.
  2. Always model self-sufficiency to your kids, telling them, “Nobody gives a flip about our welfare.” Don’t the Bible say, “Do unto others before they have a chance to do it to you?” Or something like that?

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